Blogsdon

Best in Show is one of my all-time favorite movies. When you see a mockumentary, though, you assume that how the industry is portrayed is not actually how it is. After going to a real live dog show, I can now say that that movie may as well have been a documentary instead of a mockumentary.

Of course everyone needs to be obsessed with something. It's how our brains are wired. We are very smart creatures and we need things to fill up the empty space in our head or we will all be bored to tears. Instead of using this combined brain power to channel towards finding a cure for cancer, or for finding a way to lower gas prices, or how to make Hershey's chocolate be as good for you as broccoli, some choose to fill the empty void that is their life with having a show dog.

The first glimpse of how warped these people are can be seen by looking at the vehicles in the parking lot. Most all were vans and they all had plaques on their cars that said, "Caution: Show Dogs" and a few vans were professionally airbrushed with pictures and names of their show dogs. They had dog-runs outside their mobile homes, with lots of toys and specialty dog items like fancy beds and water bowls with their names on them. In fact, it's probably the owners that sleep outside in the dog-runs; the dogs themselves are probably kept inside the mobile homes with professional handlers who take care of their every whim. ("Hey human, I need another belly rub. And while you're at it, bring me a hamburger or two. Now, step aside while I lift my leg on this expensive vase.")

I suppose, to be fair, events like this are no different than parents who take their little soccer star around for games, or who take their little ballerina around to participate in dance competitions. For people who have no children (either by an empty nest in their retirement years, or for those who just never had them) these dogs are family members and they are treated just like children would be (only they wouldn't be kept in cages, one would hope).

One of my co-workers, Kay, and her husband entered their rescued Corgi into the competition this year. Kay only works part-time at SP, since she retired and moved from Northern California a couple of years ago to come down here and be closer to their son and his family. When she told me she and her dog were going to be competing on Sunday in the dog show, I knew I had to go.

Walking into the dog show was like a scene directly out of Best in Show. These dogs were all either in their crates waiting for their competition to begin, or they were up on the "beautification stands" having professional groomers brush and groom them. Their little heads were kept in place by nooses wrapped around their necks (like they do at PetSmart when you take your dog for grooming) and these people were going crazy prettying them all up. This one lady was holding a hairdryer with her neck while she used her hands to brush and smooth her dog's coat. That was impressive. These people are serious about their pet-grooming.

There were little "rings" set up around the building where different competitions were going on at any given time. We passed one where all the handlers were wearing suits -- and I was later told these are the professional handlers, the ones who people hire to run their dogs in dog shows. They were the big time. They looked like a bunch of idiots to me.

As you sit back and just take it all in, I wonder if the dogs themselves realize how silly it all is. There they are, all dolled up and coifed, and they're thinking, "All I really want to do is go outside and roll around in the mud, and then pee on a tree. And if you throw in a squirrel-chase, it will be the perfect day."

In a nod to this truth, one of the competitors (whom I'll call "Lassie" since that's what he/she looked like) stopped mid-competition to take a squat right there in the middle of the ring and do a huge load on the floor. When you have to go, you have to go! They have little signs all over the ring floor with the instructions for what to do next, but try as I might I couldn't find the sign that said, "Circle three times, then take a massive dump." Here's Lassie running off in embarrassment, never even having ended his run -- with daddy carrying a huge paper towel full of poop. I laughed until I cried.

Kay's dog Jesse did not do anything as embarrassing, although he did turn the wrong direction once and there were some smells that just had to be investigated (see paragraph above) which he lost points from, but overall he did pretty good in his competition. He scored 81, with a minimum of 70 needed to "qualify." So Jesse got a fancy green ribbon and Kay was pleased. She's not insanely obsessed with the dog show, she's just there to have some fun with her hubby and her dog.

If I see her truck next week in the work parking lot suddenly airbrushed with Jesse's picture and name, then I'll know we've lost her.